trickster makes this world

(deep breath)

Okay. If Cas can get blown up a thousand and one times, I can deal with this final. 

If Dean came come out of Hell with his marbles mostly intact, I can deal with whatever this final throws at me and whatever grade I get on it. 

If they can figure out a way to defeat Lucifer, I can figure out what my professor wants of me oh my god lady what do you WANT!?

I just gotta calm down and channel my inner Cas XP. 

now I’m thinking about how nice it’d be to be a vessel, have a super-smart angel take my final and be done with it. I would rather be chained to a comet then have to go through this.

To be fair, like half the students have been AWOL, three remaining that I know of are failing (they can get perfect on the final and still have to retake it), and I’ve been pulling high B’s and A’s so far. I have kept up with the reading and reviewed notes, textbook, and texts. I have analyzed and annotated the text until it literally bleeds red in three different schools of lit crit. This is an Honors English class and the most humanities my brain gets is world systems history and art history. Because there be data, systems, and facts to base my shit off, yo. I’m not saying I’m the best (I can count at least three others who are doing way better than me, I’m sure there’s more - I’m pretty sure I’m at the bottom of those who have a prayer of passing), but I’m saying I’m not totally fucked. I’m a science major, yo, my brain ain’t down with this shiz. Kudos to those who can sit there and analyze a novel to death. I can’t. Without facts, data and systems to form some kind of parameter my brain starts this weird positive-feedback loop and I’m pretty sure I start hallucinating symbols, motifs, androcentricism, shadows and metaphors that aren’t there. 

Then I don’t know when to stop and get overwhelmed and then try to communicate the weird web of bullshit in my brain and fail miserably at it. This may sound terrible but this is honestly the first class I’ve taken that I was really, truly, miserably bad at. Environmental science which integrate all sorts of ridiculous shit like geology, chemistry, meteorology, evolutionary biology, toxicology and sociology with ridiculous exams that average 65%? Hit 90’s. Analyze basic shit like Hemingway, Chopin and Walker? Excuse me I think I’m going to puke. 

The sad thing is, usually I can psyche myself up for a final pretty easily because I just remind myself: Hey, I’m taking this class to transfer and become a doctor sexy. Bam. Done.

Except I hate this class to such an extent that I really couldn’t be fucked to tie my ~dreams~ to it. I don’t hate the subject. I don’t even hate my professor, she’s pretty cool. I don’t hate the existence of English as a school of study. I appreciate all it has done for the world. I admit that I have become a better writer under her guidance. I just hate me being in this class. So I’m using Supernatural. COPING MECHANISMS FUCK YEAH. 

Channeling my inner Cas now. I will fucking smite this final! 

Or get blown to bits and ~magically revive~.

Perhaps stoically, perhaps fruitloopy, perhaps megalomaniacal, but either way, I will magically revive. 

Also, channeling my inner Cas has made me really need a hug now. :(

Or maybe I’ll channel my inner Balthazar, my final will become my very own Celine Dion and I’ll just smite myself. 

…I wish I could smite things. Let’s be honest. Outta all of this I’m Chuck pre-God revelation. Without alcohol.

That’s bad. 

You know, I’ve just entirely stopped caring about my final. My ability to give a fuck has gone fully AWOL. 

I fucking hate English classes.

Playing Supernatural re-runs on the TV. Cas and Dean are on TV. Mom says “Aww, Cas wuvs him.”

O_O but - you, but how…but…you think Cas and Dean are ‘aww’ yet you regularly verbally eviscerate me for being queer, your own child - HOW DOES THAT WORK!?

(facepalm) Cas and Dean: ambassadors for queerness even where blood and family wither and die a sad, sad death.

I am so confused. 

I love supernatural and all but this fandom needs to stop the only thing you can ship dean with is the impala and further more wincest is absolutely disgusting and destiel is nasty as technically Cas is not human and does not have a gender

where-dreams-meet-reality:

thank you good bye 

Way to be a dick to people who fall outside the gender spectrum. They are not ‘nasty’. 

DNW ill-veiled homophobia and ciscentricism in my fandom. Out, goddamnit.

heyletsxing:

Oh dear I know Dean and Cas will get together somehow in SPN, I can practically feel it

but I have this gut feeling that they will get together for like one kiss before tragedy and one of them dies in a horrible, permanent way…

Agreed. 

It also says something about the Supernatural canon when we have to clarify that when we’re speaking about a truly tragic death, we have to emphasize the ‘permanent’ part. XP

Okay what the fuck I have a research essay to write due tomorrow morning but fuck. 

Cas going through Dean’s dopp bag - awww they’re married. 

Vermont is for teh queers just sayin’. (Yes I’m queer and I don’t identify on the LGBT spectrum so I use the damn word leave me alone) (Yes I have feelings about queer baiting but I’m not getting into that because Cas is interpreting the Road Runner with formalist criticism excuse me while I rofl)

Angels are watching over you - yep, Mary reference, twist that knife writers fuck you.

Cas confiding in Dean and Dean wanting to talk about feelings and can we just take a moment to be sad over potentially suicidal Cas?

And next up we have Benny then jack shit for the midseason finale fuck my life. Not that I don’t like Benny. Benny’s cool.

But you guys can’t do that to people and then throw us a vampire. 

That fucking sucks.

So now I have to pull myself out of the ~profound bond~ of Supernatural and Dean and Cas and into the bullshit that is Frederic Henry and Catherine Barkley and Hemmingway’s machismo crap. Yes I hate Hemingway. I don’t hate modernism, I get him, I just think he’s a dick and it shows in his writing. P.S. <3 Rinaldi and the Priest, I just cannot stand Catherine and Frederic because they make me want to shoot myself in the face. 

Realize that this is the emotional and intellectual equivalent of dunking myself into ice water. Full of monster ice piranhas. And flailing around like a dying animal so the ice piranhas will eat me. Despite the arctic cold. 

Dean and Cas: Hell, Earth, Purgatory, pain, dealing with the pain, Cas healing the guy, et cetera -> Frederic and Catherine: we’re in denial of how much shit sucks and refuse to deal with it and use vapid escapism and then we both die in our own ways the end. Hemingway: I BE TEH MAN I KILL THINGS RAWR. 

Realize. How much. My life. Sucks. Right. Now. (Of course I’ll write my essay in more coherent form but I’m rebelling from the hyper intellectual lit crit narrative I’ve had to immerse myself in so I’m cursing and using an extremely colloquial style in fucking blogging and I am NOT an English major and I hate this class ever since we’ve gone into Hemingway because he thinks he’s such a ~tough guy dude~ but real men talk about their feelings (NOTE THE ANGEL/HUNTER DYNAMIC OF CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT ASSHOLE) and I kind of want to read fanfic which I haven’t read since I was fourteen but Destiel is making me feel things and now I have to A FAREWELL TO ARMS FUCK MY LIFE.)

(erects a barrier of monster ice piranhas against the Hemingway fans)

obviously Supernatural has ruined my mind and I’m going to fail my class. 

Sam. Sam. Bro. Seriously. Stop.

I was trying to quit smoking…

And then 8x07 happened. Specifically, destiel canon but not canon but still canon happened. and now I don’t know what to do with myself and I feel like I’m dying anyway so what the fucking hell.

also RIP Kevin’s finger. :(

someone please help I need an AED my heart rate’s tachy and I think I can feel all my internal organs I don’t know what the fuck is happening I cannot handle this.